How to talk to your parents about their estate plans

It's not always an easy topic to broach but having legacy planning conversations can help ensure that their wishes are honored.
As your parents age, you may wonder if they have an up-to-date, well-thought-through estate plan in place. Do they have a will? Does it take into account their current circumstances? Have they named a financial power of attorney and healthcare proxy? And if the documents exist, where are they?
Asking these questions is essential — not only to ensure that your parents' wishes about their legacy are honored but also to clarify their intentions and understand what your future role might be. Yet, conversations about money, health and mortality aren't easy. "It's a delicate subject," says Valerie Galinskaya, managing director of the Merrill Center for Family Wealth. "Some parents are eager to express their wishes, while others avoid the topic."
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Reasons to have a conversation with your parents

Raising the topic of their legacy and estate planning while your parents are still healthy can pay off in many important ways.
Less confusion. Avoiding these talks today can make what may be a stressful time later even more difficult. "I've seen adult children assume everything is in order, only to discover that critical documents are missing or unclear," says Sara Burns, a wealth strategist at Merrill. With no will, the process to settle an estate can be costly and drawn out. Not having a healthcare proxy could make it harder to honor your parents' medical wishes if they're unable to make decisions on their own.
Clearer directions. Even when the paperwork is in place, families may struggle to locate documents when needed or get a handle on important aspects of their parents' finances, such as brokerage accounts, loans and insurance policies. "I've seen situations where children don't know what assets exist or what companies to contact," Burns says. "That uncertainty can make everything harder."
Greater family harmony. Asking what may be uncomfortable questions in advance can lead to healthier family dynamics. When you understand what your parents' wishes are and who they have selected for roles like executor of their estate and power of attorney, the process may be less fraught. "Talking openly about estate planning turns what could be a stressful situation into a manageable one," Burns says.

Choosing the right time to talk

Timing and tone are key. Bringing it up during a stressful moment — like a health scare — isn't ideal. Many families assume holidays or family gatherings are a better time, but Galinskaya disagrees. "You don't want to do this at a big dinner," she says. That would essentially be asking your parents to talk about a very personal topic in front of an audience.
Galinskaya suggests finding a separate time to schedule an in-person family meeting and even creating an agenda. "The key is to approach your parents gently and have these conversations before there's a time crunch," she adds. You could also use a time of transition — like when your parents are moving or retiring — to bring up the topic. And go slowly. It may take multiple attempts — or a change in strategy — before your parents feel comfortable discussing their plans. Don't push. Not everyone is willing to share every detail, and that's okay.

Key questions to ask your parents

In addition to the basics, such as whether your parents have a will and where they keep it, you may want to explore more sensitive subjects, such as:
  • Have they set down their wishes for late-in-life care and chosen a person (and a backup) to make medical decisions on their behalf?
  • Have they designated someone to manage their finances if they are unable to?
  • Who have they selected to oversee their estate as executor?
Beyond these practical questions, consider discussing your parents' hope for their family's future and what their wishes are for sentimental items such as jewelry.

How to have a productive conversation

While these conversations can be difficult, they can ultimately provide peace of mind for everyone. Watch the video below on tips for how to approach the discussion and get the most out of it.
Video: Tips for talking to parents about legacy and estate planning
Press enter to play 'Tips for talking to parents about legacy and estate planning' video
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Tips for talking to parents about legacy and estate planning
[Onscreen visual]: A video of a mother and daughter walking arm-in-arm on a path along a river.
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Tip 1: Frame the conversation with care
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Make it clear that this is grounded in your love for them and your desire to honor their wishes.
[Onscreen visuals]: A video of a younger woman sitting with her parents at a table and talking over cups of coffee.
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Tip 2: Share a personal story
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Bring up a friend's parent or a situation you heard about where the necessary documents weren't in place, resulting in complications.
[Onscreen visuals]: A video of a father and son at a table in a restaurant talking.
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Tip 3: Focus on practical benefits
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Explain that this isn't about money or prying. It's about making things easier for everyone and ensuring that the people they want to help them can do so.
[Onscreen visuals]: A video of a mother and daughter walking together through a park.
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Tip 4: Ease into specifics
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Start with practical questions like "Where do you keep your will, and is there a list of professionals and companies you work with?"
[Onscreen visuals]: A video of a father and son talking in front of a window.
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Tip 5: Talk about values
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Asking your parents what is important to them may resonate better than pointing out they are getting older.
[Onscreen visual]: A video of a multi-generational family taking a selfie in the backyard of a home.
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Tip 6: Emphasize their wishes
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Point out that drafting documents like a financial power of attorney and healthcare proxy isn't about giving up control. It's about keeping it.
[Onscreen visual]: A video of a mother and daughter talking to each other.
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Tip 7: Involve an outside expert
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If your parents are reluctant to discuss their plans, you might suggest they meet with a trusted advisor or estate attorney first.
[Onscreen visual]: A video of a man and a woman sitting across a table from a financial advisor and reviewing papers.
[Onscreen text]: To learn more about legacy and estate planning, visit merrilledge.com/legacy.
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A Bank of America company logo
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Keeping the conversation going

Consider a productive talk the beginning, not the end. "Estate planning is not a one-and-done conversation," Galinskaya says. It's important to encourage your parents to revisit their plans periodically, especially after a major life event in the family, like a birth, marriage or divorce, or a significant shift in your parents' financial circumstances.
By approaching estate planning thoughtfully, families can create clarity, reduce stress and ensure their legacy is protected. "The more proactive families are," adds Galinskaya, "the smoother things will be when the time comes."

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